The Backstory
It is personal. I have to be able to talk about it. I realized I had had a major block in being able to do so. I've spent a lot of time distancing myself from the story I'm telling. I mean, for those of you who know - it's painful. But this is the first time I had ever really come to terms with the fact that, as much as I want to share what happened to us, and as much as everyone else has been so wonderful in sharing our stories in order to help me reach my goal, I have a hard time not disconnecting myself from the emotional and personal sides of the project. In other words, I had not, up until now, owned up to having been a key part of the story I'm telling. I'm not angry with myself - I just want to be able to do the story justice, so now that I realized what I've been doing, I can start to turn that around, face it, and even include my own interview (which, by the way, I've never been interviewed/taped - it's a glaringly obvious avoidance).
It was my senior year of high school. Half the people who would die had done so already - car accidents, overdoses, suicides, and murders - everyone was leaving for school or trying to figure out what to do with the unknown of post-graduation, and we were all faced with this impermanence. I could tell everyone felt that way. It even got to the point where we were so flip that we were joking, telling people that they shouldn't be friends with us or they might die. It was around this time that I became obsessed with documentation - with taping, photos, journals - anything that would help me remember in case, the next day, we were one fewer. Anywhere we were, I would tape or I'd have a still camera with me. I'd even walk off to write about what had just taken place to add a sense of permanence to the moment. At 17, I started a project where I would interview people about how they would remember everyone in our group. It was my way of dealing with it, it was a kind of therapy for me, and it evolved into this project. Almost every piece I've done has been somehow connected to these themes of loss, memory, time and change, of dealing with these things that happened to us. And now, I just want to wrap it up. It's been over ten years, and I want to turn all of this into one cohesive piece that I can show people so that I can finally share this story and the impact it's had on our lives, the fact that, when you share tragedy, sometimes that tragedy will bring you together to the point where you never lose one another. Even if you move away, you're always checking in, always making sure everyone is okay, alive, and hopefully happy. We're all over the world now, and we still check back. It really is like having an extended family network, and it's something that's incredibly hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through something similar to what we've been through. A lot about it is unique, but other aspects are universal. The combination of these elements is what makes it such an important story to tell, even though sometimes I flounder on whether or not I can be truthful about that time in my life.
So, everyone involved in this project so far: thank you for being strong enough to speak on our behalf. And thank you to everyone who has given up his/her time for me through all of this. These things mean more to me than you could ever know.
Comments from group members, friends, and colleagues:
-i'm looking forward to the finished project,
demi, as always your work is astounding , deep and wonderful , i know youll find what you want in this
always ,
brendan [member of the group]
-well, you know my thoughts on the topic, although i'm laughing about you being taped. its the first time i can remember you doing that! :)
also, i've started going through psych journals to find anything on collective memory. i talked to my boss about it, and while she wasn't familiar with the topic, she gave me a list of journals that she thought would be helpful. i'm going to start forwarding you the abstracts. if any sound interesting, let me know and i'll pick them up for you.
the best thing going for the film right now, is that *is* so personal to you. have you thought of a title yet?
[from Katherine, a member of the group and my best friend, also works in a university psych dept]
- Thank you so much for looking up papers for me - it's much easier to define context when I have
access to the studies and observations of others. A note on this - most of the documentation
I've found deals with this phenomenon on a national level, noting the ways that a culture defines
its own history through myth and media, as well as written and oral history (i.e. the way Russians
will reiterate history to an outsider, how Germans and Jews have different memories of the
Holocaust, especially if they were young at the time and defining their opinions based on those
of their elders, etc.). All of these things can be incredibly helpful, but if you happen to find
research on a subculture or small group study, I could totally hit this home. So far, I've come up
empty, but I suppose it's much harder to document a small group. Personally, I'm surprised no
one has done research of this ilk on the Beats - they seem like the obvious starting point. Not
surprisingly (due to the subject matter and my own particular bent), the completed 057 piece has
some major Kerouacian elements - it's quite literally a "road movie." But I'm sure you could have
told me I'd go there before I knew I would. We're funny like that. [my reply]
- I can't wait to see the finished project! I think it is going to make it so much more personal than your other projects because you are going to be interviewed. Not just because it is any project but because it is this project! I know that I am not a founding member of 057 but you all have embraced me just the same. I think the reason I can relate is because of the unviersal aspects of the story. I had very similar stories with my group of friends when I was growing up and I can definately relate! Thank you in advance for documenting this amazing journey that is 057!
[from Christine, member of the group who met everyone after the bulk of the bad events occurred, married to Jesse ("Fig"), member of the group]
- I just want to be true to the story, you know? But the forward motion of thinking about the past
and acting on those thoughts in the present keeps bringing me into other levels of "truth" about
the content... and so, you could argue that this is not "truth," just another necessary element that
may uncover something else. Plato's cave metaphor is a good way of explaining this, except that
I never reach the point where I notice and acknowledge the sun. Sometimes, I feel like I'm still
making shadow puppets. [my reply]
- I've been watching my wife Deirdre (another ITP alum btw) deal with creating a story out of a (30 year old) personal experience. Her breakthrough was when she realized her role as observer was primary and key to gathering the data, but once it was all together, she became a minor character in the actual story itself. Identifying the true main character and plot line was liberating. The experience was even more personal, but the story also became much stronger. Sounds like you're at a similar point.
My ITP thesis was much easier: I turned Hermann Hesse's last novel into an interactive narrative;^)
[from Jim, ITP grad]
- On Friday, Maxx and I are going to watch and digitize all of the footage, so that should be
interesting. It's his first time viewing the tapes (I'm wondering how he will react), and for me,
every time I see the tapes, I fluctuate between laughing uncontrollably and having this odd
feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't quite describe... it's close to butterflies/nervousness,
but it's even more like a dread/regret thing, if that makes any sense. It's like when you're
watching a movie you've already seen and you want to tell the character not to do something, but
you know you can't effect the narrative, television, time/sequence, or history. I was also
reminded of the fact that every time my mother watches her wedding video she's happy at first
and then it dawns on her that she can't talk to 70% of the people on the screen ever again
because they've long since passed, and she misses them terribly, so she cries. The feeling of
disconnect is pretty drastic. I guess I just have to find a way to show that I want to reconnect
and effect the past but that I can't and will never be able to because of the nature of past,
exposing the gap. It's a theme I hadn't gotten to yet, but now I see how important it is. [my
reply]
- I did not know you were even doing this! I wish I could help. Good Luck love!
<3
[from Annette, a friend of certain members of the group]
- I was the youngest, and thus the unattended. I was always in the room, or on the other side of the door. Rarely was I, until later, involved in alot of the drama directly, never the less I was there to observe it. The arguements, the out and out fights, the crying, the sex, the people falling down the stairs or getting high in my kitchen (or patio, or golf course, or bed room, or well... you get the point). Always there if you noticed or not, and always paying attention.
I'm very interested to see the final product and am curious if it'll be somehow... strangely... from a familiar point of view.
[from Eric, in the group but at the time too young to have been involved in much of what had gone on, younger brother of group member]
- i look forward to seeing it
[from Summer, a friend of mine from high school/undergrad at NYU]