057 Movie: ITP Thesis Project

"I don't know anything about your project. None of this is even going to be beneficial to your project. I don't even feel entitled to write on this subject, as I've been MIA for years. All I know is that your post literally kicked the wind out of me. Not to say that I haven't thought about these things in the last few years, but I have not been forced to experience them fully and in depth. I've been sitting here willing myself to just "ignore" the post and move on, but I feel at the very least it is owed acknowledgement.

"My memory of 057 is seriously fragmented. I remember bits and pieces, but I am unable weave them together into one cohesive piece. Blame it on the drugs, blame it on that age, blame it on the instability of that time, blame it on the years that have passed, blame it on suppressed memories...whatever. All I know is that a lot of these memories have a tendency to flash before me in a random pattern of blips and sequences at an unsettling pace. I can recall names, but not faces. I can recall faces, but not names. I can recall emotions, but not places. I can recall places, but not emotions. And sometimes I recall people, places, events, and emotions crystal clear, as if I am reliving them firsthand...even if they don't necessarily bear any significance or importance. Certain smells evoke flashbacks - faintness consumes, the heart palpitates irregularly, the pupils dilate, and lost memories flicker by. Maybe in time everything will come together. It saddens me that that section of my brain has atrophied to such a degree. It distresses me that people and events and emotions that deserve to be remembered aren't.

"But for the most part, recalling those times instills a potent sickness within me. As much fun as was had, and as many great people there were, it is a period in my life that I primarily associate with pain, uncertainty, fear, disgust, and sorrow. I was learning the true meaning of trust, of friendship, of loyalty...all the hard way. I was learning about death...people were dying all around me - both in 057 and my circle of friends in Boca. Real life was hitting hard and fast, but then again it always has. Sometimes you just get a few years of reprieve. Regardless, that time period is especially tainted. That whole place is tainted. I can't really blame myself for detaching from it, but in hindsight I feel that the purpose of that detachment was to directly deny, and conveniently forget, that that part of my life ever happened. Thus the atrophy. That is a crime.

"I have a tendency towards emotional disconnect. The bad things that have happened to me in my life, I can generally discuss with the utmost nonchalance. The most vibrant of lives are shaped by trauma...in the last few years I have learned to embrace the bad times and live through them...learn from them. Draw strength from them. I welcome pain and hardship. It reminds me I'm alive. But this...is still somehow different. The general sensation is of dirtiness, oiliness. The pain is heart-wrenching, even after all these years. I am sorry I didn't keep in touch. Maybe I would have healed better. But then again maybe I would be worse.

"The overall tone of uncertainty and lack of direction and closure in this letter is maddening.

"I am afraid of your thesis.

"Hope you've enjoyed the ramblings of a mad anglo woman...

"I need a few days to mull it over and do some soul searching. I'm not afraid of the pain -I'm sure in the end it'll turn out to be a "good thing" - but I need to sort out my thoughts. I feel all over the place, and my mind is racing 1,000 miles a minute. The pitiful thing is, I feel like I already need a good healthy sob. I think I'll pencil it in for tomorrow, while Joe's at work. Then my mind will be clearer.

"I loved the video. I was afraid to see the outcome at first, but now I'm intrigued and can't wait for the end product. I experienced so many emotions during just that short clip. The train made me grin ear to ear. (And Fun/L and his fucking hot toddy's...LMFAO.) But then as the train kept rolling by, I felt the need to break down. I think I definitely have some issues I need to work through...

"Are there any particular areas or time frames that you are concentrating on? Or is it just a conveyance of random memories over the years? My shit is so terribly random...so much so that I'm afraid it won't even remotely connect with anyone else's to support your thesis.

"I think one of my main issues is that I feel like an imposter...like adding my 2 cents would contaminate the integrity of your piece. I want it to be pure, and if me not being involved will make that happen, I'm happy with that.

"Yeah, I need a few days to work out my feelings.

"Whether I send you something or not, I'm definitely going to journal my thoughts and remembrances so I can compare them when it's done.

"I'm leaning towards "no" on the taping.  I know that I was there, and I'm not technically an "imposter", but the fact is that you all have generally stuck together over the years...so I think that's where the focus should remain.  Just because you CAN be a part of something doesn't mean that you SHOULD be.  Does that make sense? 

"That said, I am definitely going to put my thoughts to paper.  I need to work through this and give myself some sort of "closure."  I feel more comfortable with that medium anyway.  I'd be happy to copy you on it if you wish (I forewarn you, my dissertation is probably going to end up being a thorough self-evaluation of my life during that period, involving alot of tangents on people and places that will likely have no bearing on this particular subject).  But maybe you'll find something useful in there.  And if you find something super integral that would really tie your piece together (doubtful), by all means let me know.  I'd be happy to help a brotha' out by taping.  I just don't want to be in there for the sake of being in there."

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It is personal. I have to be able to talk about it. I realized I had had a major block in being able to do so. I've spent a lot of time distancing myself from the story I'm telling. I mean, for those of you who know - it's painful. But this is the first time I had ever really come to terms with the fact that, as much as I want to share what happened to us, and as much as everyone else has been so wonderful in sharing our stories in order to help me reach my goal, I have a hard time not disconnecting myself from the emotional and personal sides of the project. In other words, I had not, up until now, owned up to having been a key part of the story I'm telling. I'm not angry with myself - I just want to be able to do the story justice, so now that I realized what I've been doing, I can start to turn that around, face it, and even include my own interview (which, by the way, I've never been interviewed/taped - it's a glaringly obvious avoidance).

It was my senior year of high school. Half the people who would die had done so already - car accidents, overdoses, suicides, and murders - everyone was leaving for school or trying to figure out what to do with the unknown of post-graduation, and we were all faced with this impermanence. I could tell everyone felt that way. It even got to the point where we were so flip that we were joking, telling people that they shouldn't be friends with us or they might die. It was around this time that I became obsessed with documentation - with taping, photos, journals - anything that would help me remember in case, the next day, we were one fewer. Anywhere we were, I would tape or I'd have a still camera with me. I'd even walk off to write about what had just taken place to add a sense of permanence to the moment. At 17, I started a project where I would interview people about how they would remember everyone in our group. It was my way of dealing with it, it was a kind of therapy for me, and it evolved into this project. Almost every piece I've done has been somehow connected to these themes of loss, memory, time and change, of dealing with these things that happened to us. And now, I just want to wrap it up. It's been over ten years, and I want to turn all of this into one cohesive piece that I can show people so that I can finally share this story and the impact it's had on our lives, the fact that, when you share tragedy, sometimes that tragedy will bring you together to the point where you never lose one another. Even if you move away, you're always checking in, always making sure everyone is okay, alive, and hopefully happy. We're all over the world now, and we still check back. It really is like having an extended family network, and it's something that's incredibly hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through something similar to what we've been through. A lot about it is unique, but other aspects are universal. The combination of these elements is what makes it such an important story to tell, even though sometimes I flounder on whether or not I can be truthful about that time in my life.

So, everyone involved in this project so far: thank you for being strong enough to speak on our behalf. And thank you to everyone who has given up his/her time for me through all of this. These things mean more to me than you could ever know.

Comments from group members, friends, and colleagues:

-i'm looking forward to the finished project,

demi, as always your work is astounding , deep and wonderful , i know youll find what you want in this

always ,
brendan [member of the group]

-well, you know my thoughts on the topic, although i'm laughing about you being taped. its the first time i can remember you doing that! :)

also, i've started going through psych journals to find anything on collective memory. i talked to my boss about it, and while she wasn't familiar with the topic, she gave me a list of journals that she thought would be helpful. i'm going to start forwarding you the abstracts. if any sound interesting, let me know and i'll pick them up for you.

the best thing going for the film right now, is that *is* so personal to you. have you thought of a title yet?

[from Katherine, a member of the group and my best friend, also works in a university psych dept]

- Thank you so much for looking up papers for me - it's much easier to define context when I have
access to the studies and observations of others. A note on this - most of the documentation
I've found deals with this phenomenon on a national level, noting the ways that a culture defines
its own history through myth and media, as well as written and oral history (i.e. the way Russians
will reiterate history to an outsider, how Germans and Jews have different memories of the
Holocaust, especially if they were young at the time and defining their opinions based on those
of their elders, etc.). All of these things can be incredibly helpful, but if you happen to find
research on a subculture or small group study, I could totally hit this home. So far, I've come up
empty, but I suppose it's much harder to document a small group. Personally, I'm surprised no
one has done research of this ilk on the Beats - they seem like the obvious starting point. Not
surprisingly (due to the subject matter and my own particular bent), the completed 057 piece has
some major Kerouacian elements - it's quite literally a "road movie." But I'm sure you could have
told me I'd go there before I knew I would. We're funny like that. [my reply]

- I can't wait to see the finished project! I think it is going to make it so much more personal than your other projects because you are going to be interviewed. Not just because it is any project but because it is this project! I know that I am not a founding member of 057 but you all have embraced me just the same. I think the reason I can relate is because of the unviersal aspects of the story. I had very similar stories with my group of friends when I was growing up and I can definately relate! Thank you in advance for documenting this amazing journey that is 057!

[from Christine, member of the group who met everyone after the bulk of the bad events occurred, married to Jesse ("Fig"), member of the group]

- I just want to be true to the story, you know? But the forward motion of thinking about the past
and acting on those thoughts in the present keeps bringing me into other levels of "truth" about
the content... and so, you could argue that this is not "truth," just another necessary element that
may uncover something else. Plato's cave metaphor is a good way of explaining this, except that
I never reach the point where I notice and acknowledge the sun. Sometimes, I feel like I'm still
making shadow puppets. [my reply]

- I've been watching my wife Deirdre (another ITP alum btw) deal with creating a story out of a (30 year old) personal experience. Her breakthrough was when she realized her role as observer was primary and key to gathering the data, but once it was all together, she became a minor character in the actual story itself. Identifying the true main character and plot line was liberating. The experience was even more personal, but the story also became much stronger. Sounds like you're at a similar point.

My ITP thesis was much easier: I turned Hermann Hesse's last novel into an interactive narrative;^)

[from Jim, ITP grad]

- On Friday, Maxx and I are going to watch and digitize all of the footage, so that should be
interesting. It's his first time viewing the tapes (I'm wondering how he will react), and for me,
every time I see the tapes, I fluctuate between laughing uncontrollably and having this odd
feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't quite describe... it's close to butterflies/nervousness,
but it's even more like a dread/regret thing, if that makes any sense. It's like when you're
watching a movie you've already seen and you want to tell the character not to do something, but
you know you can't effect the narrative, television, time/sequence, or history. I was also
reminded of the fact that every time my mother watches her wedding video she's happy at first
and then it dawns on her that she can't talk to 70% of the people on the screen ever again
because they've long since passed, and she misses them terribly, so she cries. The feeling of
disconnect is pretty drastic. I guess I just have to find a way to show that I want to reconnect
and effect the past but that I can't and will never be able to because of the nature of past,
exposing the gap. It's a theme I hadn't gotten to yet, but now I see how important it is. [my
reply]

- I did not know you were even doing this! I wish I could help. Good Luck love!

<3

[from Annette, a friend of certain members of the group]

- I was the youngest, and thus the unattended. I was always in the room, or on the other side of the door. Rarely was I, until later, involved in alot of the drama directly, never the less I was there to observe it. The arguements, the out and out fights, the crying, the sex, the people falling down the stairs or getting high in my kitchen (or patio, or golf course, or bed room, or well... you get the point). Always there if you noticed or not, and always paying attention.

I'm very interested to see the final product and am curious if it'll be somehow... strangely... from a familiar point of view.

[from Eric, in the group but at the time too young to have been involved in much of what had gone on, younger brother of group member]

- i look forward to seeing it

[from Summer, a friend of mine from high school/undergrad at NYU]

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The majority of the synopses of experimental documentary films dealing with the idea of collective memory cover the phenomenon on a national level, choosing to deal with the way a nation’s media, education, and oral tradition affect the memories of the citizens to the point where their view of history, taken out of its social context, would be disputed by other nations/cultures. 

Process:
Tape and curate ten years of video and audio
Collect and scan relevant images
Transcribe footage for relevant vintage sound bites
Combine vintage sound bites into a cohesive “essay”
Place current visuals on top of vintage audio according to the location referred to within the narrative

Examples of films dealing with collective memory on the national/cultural level:

Acropolis
Director: Eva Stefani. Production: Greek Film Centre
Year of Production: 2001. Format: Beta SP. Length 25'

The film is an experimental documentary that explores the significance of Greece's national symbol, the Acropolis, in the creation of national identity and collective memory. In the place of a concrete, victorious memory the film juxtaposes "another" memory, that of the senses, the memory of the body. Likening the "sacred rock" to a fetishised female body the film makes a comment on the timeless exploitation of the monument. At the same time it explores the relationship between history and pornography.

 

In The Blood
Director:  Diane Nerwen. 
Year of Production: 2000.  Format: VHS.  Length 31’

In The Blood is an experimental documentary about American Jewish attitudes towards Germans and the role the holocaust plays in shaping Jewish identity. This layered collage combines appropriated images, original footage, sampled sounds and fragments of audio conversations to examine perceptions and representations of Germany, cultural identity, collective memory and history.

 

From the Program for Women in the Director’s Chair, Festival 2005:
COLLECTIVE MEMORY
"Collective Memory" is a body of work that surveys the landscape of
cultural experiences and national identity in the construction of societal memories, oral histories and, in the case of The Listener, a shared future.  AKA Mrs. George Gilbert looks backwards to find out who was Angela Davis. TRT: 94’
Monologue Exterieur by Francien van Everdingen 2004 mini-dv 2:30’ Netherlands
A silent, whimsical short that colorfully draws in the attention of the viewers.
The Listener by Mahri Holt 2004 16mm 20’
In a futuristic, emotionless society that does not allow feelings and personal issues, we find the protagonist, a professional "Listener" with an ethical dilemma that is also professionally risky.
Hell by Brae Grobarek 2004 mini-dv 6’
Intelligent and layered, Hell is an animated work with strong visual ideas of laborers. Hell is a narrative, experimental and inspiring.
How to Fix the World by Jackie Goss 2003 BetaSP 28:30’
Jackie Gross returns to WIDC with How to Fix the World, a smart and odd experimental documentary that catches up with the former participants of a literacy program administered in developing Uzbekistan post 1920. It butts ideas of perception and comprehension against ideas of survival.
Perhaps the Singer is Dead by Mary Billyou 2004 mini-dv 6’
Mary Billyou pieces together beautiful images and a rich soundtrack of words and waves that thought provokingly laments the inability to find an ending.
AKA Mrs. George Gilbert by Coco Fusco 2005 DVD 31’
In this new work by cultural artist /theorist, Coco Fusco, the artist and a former FBI agent find themselves with similar interests. Following Angela Davis’s rise as an intellectual power, the FBI.’s hunt and subsequent capture of her in an attempt to squash the larger Black Power Movement, AKA dissects the cultural obsession with Davis as an iconic figure and interrogates the cultural fascination with her Afro, her clothing or her political and professional motives.

 

Stylistic inspiration:

Tarnation:  http://www.filmmakermagazine.com/spring2004/features/be_mirror.php

30 Miles: http://www.cultfilms.net/30%20Miles/index.htm

Short Films of Matt McCormick: http://www.rodeofilmco.com

The Downtown Walk, a clip from "057":

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